With Mother's Day around the corner I've been quite pensive. This usually happens every year, but this time I decided to write about it. Mother's Day for me is bitter sweet, and has been this way for the past nineteen years. Prior to this, Mother's Day was a day of celebration for my family and I. After my mom passed away I stopped celebrating the day. For me, there was no reason to celebrate. I actually started despising the day and wanted it to be abolished. Leading up to Mother's Day I would experience great anxiety and sadness as I was bombarded with advertisements, store signs and emails regarding sales and gift ideas. On the actual day I would make a conscious effort not to be around other people who were celebrating the day, the mall, church or even watch regular television, I would try to avoid every and anything "Mother's Day like" which you can imagine was super hard.
Fast forward to when I became pregnant with my first child. I started trying to reframe the meaning of the day. My first attempt was to go to church. I remember this being difficult but also feeling as if I started the healing process. When my daughter was born and I experienced my first Mother's Day as a mother, it was surreal. I felt happy, knowing that I was now a mother (something I always wanted) but also felt quite sad because I didn't have my mother.
This bitter sweet feeling has not changed, even though I've been a mother for the past five years and have been without my mother for the past nineteen years. I still think about what it would be like if my mother was still here. I wonder about the relationship she would have had with my children. I wonder if she would "spoil" my kids with candy and be less strict with them.
Mother's Day also leads me to think about other individuals who are like me. People who no longer have their mother and how difficult the day may be for them. I think about women who want to be mothers and are unable to do so for whatever reason. I think about people who don't know their biological mothers, people given up for adoption, people who are estranged from their mothers and all the other situations that might exist that makes this day uncomfortable.
Being a mother is one of the toughest jobs I have ever done. It's a role that never takes a break. I find myself thinking/talking about my kids even when I take my "me time." Being a mom is also the most rewarding role/job I've ever had. I feel blessed to know that I've been granted this awesome opportunity to mother two of the most outgoing, jovial, intelligent, loving children on this planet. I definitely do not take it for granted. I also do not take for granted the fact that I was blessed with the most amazing mother on this planet. A woman who taught me to "be myself", taught me how to be grateful for what I have and to always show appreciation. A woman who taught me always to be polite to everyone I encountered. A woman who not only told me to be kind, but demonstrated kindness even though she didn't have much. My mother taught me about God, faith and to stand up for what I believed in. At a time when I felt awkward, my mother told me that I was beautiful and that I should never try to change anything about myself. I feel like my survival as a teenager was because I had a mother who was constantly looking out for me.My hope is that I can be half the mother to my children as my mother was to me.
Regardless of your circumstances and how you feel about the day, I wish you a beautiful day. Love yourself, show appreciation and love to the people in your life who cared about you and showed you love. If you are a mother, take a break, do something for yourself. And If no one tells you how awesome you are, let me tell you "you rock!" Keep up the amazing job!